


A dream that never was

by E_J



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21774364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/E_J/pseuds/E_J
Summary: Killian Jones has always wanted to be a father, but life has never given a chance. That is until he meets Milah.A little switch in the story where Milah takes Bae with her when she runs away with Killian.
Relationships: Captain Hook | Killian Jones/Emma Swan, Captain Hook | Killian Jones/Milah
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first OUAT fic and my second ever fic, be gentle. English is not my first language and this story hasn't been beta read. All mistakes are mine.  
> There will be definietly a second chapter and maybe a third. This first chapter explores a bit Killian's life and the second is where Milah comes in.  
> I will try to upload the second chapter the next week, maybe in two, but can't make any promises.  
> Every comment and suggestion is appreciated and encouraged.

Killian always had wanted to be a father, but things had never worked out for him. First, when he was a little kid, his dreams of become a father had been shattered when his own father sold him and his brother into slavery. At first, he thought he would never be able to pay his father’s debt and he would have to live his life as Silver’s slave. Which, if you looked around at the others slaves, will not be a long life. Miserable, yes, but not long. 

As he grew older, that fear of live forever as a slave turned into anger. Even if he managed to pay the debt and become a free man, why would he want to be a father? He looked just like his, and many times acted like his. And probably his children would too. Why would he punish his kids with that fate? He was angry. Angry at how much he was like his father. And feared that he will be a father like his was. So, even if he wanted to be a dad more than anything else, he could no risk it. He could no risk to become his father. And he hated him for that. His father had destroyed his childhood and his dream. 

****

The second time was when he was in the navy. Liam and him had joined the Royal Navy a while ago. Killian had managed a good position and the respect of both his mutuals and his superiors. Life was good and for the first time in oh so many years, he felt like him being a father was again in the table. However, this feeling didn’t last long. After a few months he noticed how hard was to get a girlfriend, all the time on board of a ship, going away for long periods of time made it difficult to start a relationship. He didn’t got a chance to meet many girls, and most of them were boring and, frankly, stupid. The very few that caught his interest and fancied him, lost their interest soon after he left, and by the time he made port again, they were already with someone else or did simply not want to commit to a relationship where they hardly see each other. 

Killian, however, didn’t lose his hope of being a father. Some of his mates had a family and were happy. And if they could, why wouldn’t he be able to be a dad? He held into this belief until one day when making port, after a trip that was longer than originally expected, one of his mates was informed by a neighbour of him that his wife had given birth while he was at sea and after recovering had taken their children and left back to her parents’ home, feeling unable to rise the children on her own. 

Killian decided then that being an absent father, putting all the weight of raising a family in his wife shoulders was almost as bad as abandoning them. And while he could always left the Navy to try to start a family, he could never left Liam behind, and he was determined to climb ranks and become a captain. 

So once again, Killian felt his dream shatter into tiny pieces, this time by his unknowing brother. He didn’t felt fear or anger this time. He just felt sad. 

****

The third time was probably the worst. Liam has recently became a captain and him himself had became a lieutenant. Their king had entrust them with an important, secret task that would change the curse of the war and probably finish it. In the days following their departure Killian had finally shared his dream with Liam, who encouraged him to follow it. Killian had expected Liam to be disappointed at him, or even angry that he wanted to left him and the only life they had ever met to start a family on land. But Liam had laugh at his concern and told him that he could not wait to meet the lass that will steal his little brother’s heart. Liam offered to go with him to talk to their superiors when they finished their task in order to make Killian’s departure easier and to try and get him some extra payment for his services so he could save it for his future family. 

Killian couldn’t be happier. For the first time in his life he was in a position where he could finally meet a girl to make his wife and start the family he always wanted. And not only he could fulfil his dream but his brother supported him and was proud of him. 

And that was, of course, where everything went to hell. Their king had lied to them and send them to an unhonourable task. Liam, his dear brother, had died following blindly the king’s orders, mistakenly believing him a man of honour and trusting him. How could he keep serving the Navy when the king had caused his brother’s dead? How could he bring a child into a world where a king was willing to risk the lives of his subjects in order to win a war? And if he stole the ship and turned to piracy, how could he raise a child on a pirate ship? Always in the run, surrounded by delinquency and violence. He couldn’t. He just couldn't. He couldn’t risk a child’s life, his child’s life, like that. 

And for the third time in his life Killian had see his dream of build a family shatter, this time alongside with the only family he had left. Suddenly, Killian was all alone with no hope of ever have anyone else to share life. And this time the sadness and the anger were back, bringing with them a feeling of hopelessness. Hopelessness that he will never be able to be a father. 

****

Killian has always wanted to be a father but life had gotten in between him and his dream, destroying it over and over. Three times has Killian seen his dream shattered. And just when he had given up to the idea of being a father, he met Milah, and for the first time in a very very long time, he thought that he might get to be a dad.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killian meets Milah and things start changing for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the second chapter. The story is turning out to be a bit longer than expected so there would be a third chapter and probably a fourth. I don't think it will be longer than that, but it's becoming quite clear that I'm not great at planning, so who knows. It won't be, for sure, a very long fic. With the holidays I don't think I will be able to post in about two weeks (the holidays here finnish the 6th).  
> Since it's getting longer than I thought it was going to be, Baelfire won't be appearing in this chapter. Instead, it focus on the relationship between Killian and Milah.  
> As always english it's not my first language and I don't have a beta so I apologise for the mistakes.

It’s been months, years actually, since Killian Jones saw his brother die in his arms and his dreams shatter into tiny pieces. He’s all alone in the world, and he doesn’t think he will ever find peace. He has no reason to live except avenge his brother’s unfair dead. He’s put all his focus into make his former king suffer as many loses as he can before he gets kill. Because Killian is sure he will die in battle, he has always known that, he’s only on the other side now. 

He knows Liam would probably be angry and disappointed at him. His own dead at the hands of an unhonourable king would not be reason enough to turn into piracy and delinquency. But Killian always took more from their father’s side; it was always harder for him to stay into the right side. And without Liam to guide him, he turned to the darkness, and welcome it. That was until he met Milah. 

****

They had made port after a good campaign, they’d attacked some ships with a surprisingly nice amount of gold and he thought it would be very good for his crew's moral to celebrate their victory. So they made port, split the price and he invited them for a round at the local tavern, with the hope of finding enough rum and a nice lass to drown in and forget about his loses for a while. What he did not expected was to find the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. 

He spotted her the very second she put a foot on the tavern, but she was very clearly annoyed, in need of a drink, and very very clearly wanted to be alone. And he had two lovely, beautiful women on his table that very clearly wanted to spend the night with him. So, why bother to tell they away and try to get a woman who wanted to be left alone? But then that drunk idiot tripped with her and put his filthy hands on her, and despite being a pirate, he still was a gentleman and believed in good form. 

So he tell his companions off and goes there and punches that idiot’s face, and doesn’t that feel good? And God, she‘s even more beautiful from this close. She thanks him, mistakes him for a Navy officer, and that’s a laugh, isn’t it? She tells him about how she’s never been aways from this little town, and she wants to see the world and life adventures; she doesn’t tell him so but he sees it, you can’t hide a heart that longs to feel the taste of freedom. But she can’t leave, she has a child and a husband. There is not much love in there, he can tell that, but she’s a mother and she loves her child, and he would never, ever, take a parent away from their kid. 

And, dammit, that hurts more than he anticipated. He’s not sure why it hurts so much. He wants to believe it’s because she reminds him of his own mother, ready to stay into a loveless marriage for their child’s sake. And while that’s part of the reason, he knows that’s not all. He knows the reason it hurts so much it is because she is a reminder of what he always wanted but will never have. And God does it sting. 

So he tells her he is around quite often, because for some reason he can’t bear the thought of never seeing her again, and says his goodbyes, ready to get himself drunk enough to manage to do his way back to the ship and pass out as soon as he gets there. 

****

It’s been weeks before they make port again in that town. This time the reasons are less happy, the last attack wasn’t as smooth as planned and he lost a good man, one of his brother’s more loyal men and the one who teached him his way around the Navy. His dead cuts deep, and brings back the memories and feelings of his brother's dead and Killian definitely needs to drink himself into oblivion. 

He is half way through achieving his goal when she walks in looking equally frustrated and hopeful. He’s a bit way too drunk and his reflexes are slow, but then she sees him, her whole face lighting up like he’s what she has waited for her whole life and he feels warm. It’s like all the alcohol has evaporated from his body as she walks purposefully towards him, grabbing a drink in her way. She sits down and effectively scares away with one look the girls that had been hovering around him. He had absolutely no intention to do anything with them today, but they didn’t seem to catch the hint, no matter how blunt he was with them. 

But she sits down and they leave. And she’s more beautiful than he remembered but he’s glad she’s here. She smiles, and he can’t help to smile back, makes some snarky comment about the girls that had just left, because they were just girls impossible to compete with this woman that has, somehow, managed to get the fearsome Captain Killian Jones out of words. They spend the night talking, and drinking, turns out he has been in her mind just as much as she has in his, paying attention to any news of a pirate ship doing port in her town. She tells him about her coward of a husband and about her little boy, she’s surprised that he remember her son was sick and that he wants to hear about him. 

So they talk, and drink, and eventually kiss. Just outside the tavern when they were finally heading back home, each to their own. He’s happy, ridiculously happy; he feels a bit bad about it because he should be mourning the man he just loss, but he knows he would be glad to seem him happy. 

It isn’t until the next morning, when they are sailing away into the sea that he notices that she never told him his name.

****

After that he stars making port more often than usual, hoping to see her again. He’s not quite sure what has gotten into him, he’s never felt like this before, and he doesn’t miss the irony of finding the lass for him right after his life fell apart and he’d given up to happiness. 

Killian makes sure to bring her, and her lad, little things from his trips. He knows she wants to go away but feels like she can’t, so he’s decided to get her to see the world through his gifts. He feels a bit stupid about the whole thing, because he’s a pirate and she’s a wife and a mother, but she’s there waiting for him everytime he makes port, and she always looks happy to see him, thankful for the presents and eager to hear his stories of adventures and far away lands. And she also has things to share. Milah, because that’s her name and he he’s glad when she tells him so he had now a name to call her in his dreams, tells him about her days, about how much she despises her husband, how big and intelligent her son is, how hard it’s to be the wife of the town’s coward. 

With each story he find himself falling in love with her, with her beauty, her courage to stay with her husband for her son’s sake, her obvious love for her son. And he makes a promise to himself to get her and her child out of there. Her child too because, for a start, he would never take a mother away from her child, he remember how much that hurts; but also because he had grown quite fond of that child he had never actually met. 

One day, after a particularly long time away at sea and a longer time without seeing her, as she had to look after her child while her husband was away looking for a job, he tells her that he would love to meet her son. Milah is wary at first, she knows Killians likes her but she’d always assumed it was for her body and doesn’t understand why would he want to meet her child. Killian can tell she is starting to think all sort of bad, worrying things about his reasons to meet the boy, so he decides to tell her about his life and his dream. So that night, after some food and drinks, when there is only the owners and the drunks in the tavern, in the darkest table, he opens up and spills all his secrets to her. By the time he’s done both of them had tears in their eyes, Milah is holding him tight and whispers a promise to bring her boy over the next day. 

And that’s how Killian finally met the son of the woman he’s grown to love. And for the very first time in so many years, he feels something like hope, and he thinks that maybe, he may get to be a father.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killian mets Bae.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this has taken longer than expected but life hapened. There will be a fourth chapter and that should be it. Hopefully I will post it within a week.  
> This chapter is the longest one but I didn't want to split it.
> 
> As always, english is not my first language and I don't have a beta so I apologise for the mistakes. 
> 
> Every comment and suggestion is apreciated and encouraged.

Killian has never been so nervous in his entire life. Not in his first mission on the Navy; not the first time he was with a woman. This is just something else. This moment is way too important. He knows that no matter how good Milah and him are, if her boy doesn’t like him, this whole not-quite-a-relationship-but-not-just-friends is over. And he really wants the kid to like him, not just for Milah, but for him. If things really work out he might get to be some sort of father figure to the boy, he might get to be a son of a sort for him. And Killian really wants to be a father. He also wants the things to work out for the boy, he deserves to have a man in his life that is not a complete coward and shame. 

Milah and him had discussed this whole meeting already. The kid knows his mum has a friend who travels around the realm and gets him presents. He also knows his father won’t be very happy with it so he shouldn’t tell him about the presents and his mum’s friend. He seems to be okay with their little secret, but he’s just a little kid, he’s probably just happy about the presents and if keeping them for himself assures he will get more, then that’s okay. He probably doesn’t understand what all that means. And while the kid is content with all this situation, it is a complete different thing knowing that someone brings you present than actually meeting that someone. And for that Killian is nervous. 

He’s made sure to get the boy a present, not quite as a bribe, but as a way to get on his good side. Milah has tried to reassure him, telling him to be himself, the self he’s when he’s around her, but he could tell she was just as nervous about this as he is, which didn’t really calmed him down. He’s at the far corner of the docks, fidgeting with the toy as he waits for them to arrive. They’d decided quite soon in the planning that the tavern was out of question for the meeting, too much people too drunk. Milah mentioned that her son liked the sea too, but they thought the Jolly might not be the best place for a first meeting, so they decided the little beach at the end of the harbour. Too small and to far away to be bothered by someone else but still close enough in case it doesn’t go well and they have to leave.

Finally Milah arrives, her son in tow looking curious as to why his mum is taking him to the docks and taking in every detail. Introductions are made and presents are given and the boy, Bae, is beaming at his new present and at the prospect of spending a day at the beach. He spends the whole walk to the beach talking about everything and anything effectively relaxing both adults. The meeting goes better than Killian could had expected. Bae is the sweetest lad, interrogating him about his travels and adventures and dragging him into his games. Killian is in heaven. He can see Milah smiling tenderly at them while they try to build “the tallest sand castle ever”, Bae’s words. 

It’s still early in the afternoon when the boy finally crashes, wore out from the excitement of both making a new friend and meeting his mum’s friend that brings him presents. Milah and Killian use this time to catch up and discuss what are they going to do now. While they both are relieved that Bae likes Killian they know this was some sort of unspoken test. Milah despises her husband and wants to move on and have a life of her own, but she can’t and won’t leave her child behind just because she hates his father; and she really likes Killian. Despiste all the stories she sees goodness in him, she’s seen how kind and attentive he’s with her, and now her son; she can see that, even if he hasn’t say anything, he feels very strongly for her, maybe even love her, and she thinks she may love him back. She can’t remember feeling this strong for Rumple, not in the very beginning. And now that he and her son have meet and Bae seems to really like Killian her whole situation has changed drastically. Today, watching Killian play with her son, chasing him around the beach, picking shells with him in a way his own father has never done, she can see a future with the three of them. And that scares her more than she could have expected. 

It’s starting to get dark when Bae wakes up, and Milah decides it’s time to get home. They make their way back, Killian taking an awoken but still sleepy Bae in his arms. Once they’re in his ship, Killian hands her her son, ruffling the boy’s hair as he promises to meet him again to play. They say their goodbyes, avoiding a goodbye kiss just to be sure. The air is dense, both aware of what this day really meant. They agree to meet again later that week and part away, each to their home, with a full heart and the chance of a future together hanging in the air. 

**** 

It’s been two months since the first meeting between Bae and Killian, he and Milah have met several times in the meantime both with Bae and just the two of them. They’d discussed a lot what it’s going to happen with them, Killian want her and her son to leave with him, to have a life at sea, but Milah’s reluctant, unsure to abandon the life both her and her son have only known and worried about her child living aboard of a pirate ship. They’d been on and on about it, never reaching an agreement and getting more and more frustrated each time. Killian’s on his ship, brooding in the captain chambers after a specially heated discussion with Milah when she storms in, with a crying Bae on her arms and a heavy bag on her shoulder. It takes ages to calm the boy down but the novelty of being in the ship and the rocking of the waves makes the trick and puts him to sleep. It’s then when Milah tells him what happened and it takes everything in him no to go out to get some blood. Apparently some older kids had been teasing and insulting Bae about his father and today one of them actually hit him. 

They spend the night talking, forming a plan and thinking of all the things they will need, a little kid needs healthier food than an adult and while they can share a bed, Bae will need one of his own, at least until he’s old enough and familiar enough with the ship and the crew to be sleeping on his own. They make lists and plans and when the sun starts rising and Milah falls sleep besides her son, Killian covers them both with a blanket, writes a note to make her know where he is and leaves to get everything ready for their departure. 

It takes some extra money to get everything to be ready that same day and his crew’s not exactly happy to learn that their captain’s fling and her son are going to be living in the ship from now on. But Killian is a pirate, his reputation is well earned, and after some threats and a dead sailor everything goes smoothly. Things get a bit rocky when the husband and father comes, requesting for his family to be released, like, seriously? he hasn’t kidnaped them. But his reputation is also well earned, and he’s just every bit of a coward Killian thought he would be. 

****

The first few weeks are rough. Killian knew it won’t be easy, but he wasn’t expecting this. Bae is sad and cries a lot, he misses his dad and friends and is scared of the rest of the crew and makes sure everyone knows. Milah is gloom and jumpy, distrusts everyone and doesn’t let him soothe her, going on and on about how this was a mistake. And the crew is not happy. No-one has said anything after he killed the man who tried to speak against Milah and the boy, but they keep shooting him, and them, angry looks and his orders are met with whispers and a sense of rebellion. 

Killian is heartbroken, he really wants this to work out for everyone, he thought it would work out, but this whole situation is crashing down and if it doesn’t get better soon he doesn’t think it will continue. He knows it won’t. Either Milah takes Bae and left or his crew mutiny against him. Either way he’s losing something he cares and loves. 

Curiously the situation fixes itself one afternoon almost a month after they left port. Bae has been roaming in the main deck the whole day, swifting between sobbing about his father and interrogating the crew about their jobs aboard. Some were kind and explained and taught him about what were they doing; some weren’t and soded him off. Milah has spent the entire time watching him like a hawk from the quarterdeck. The air is tense but just as it has been for the past four weeks. Bae is following a deckhand like a little duckling, asking him what’s he doing and why. He’s not paying the boy much attention, but Bae won’t leave him alone. The man waves him off but when Bae doesn’t leave he just slaps him across the face. There is on second where nothing happens, everyone too shock to do something, and then everything happens at the same time. Bae starts crying and is picked up and soothed by the ship’s physician. Milah rushes to the man, pins him against the mainmast and puts a dagger in his neck, threatening to slay his throat open if he so much as gives her son a nasty look. 

After putting his best mate in charge of the helm, he goes down, picks a calm but still shaking Bae from the physician’s hands and pulls Milah away from the deckhand. He glares the man, making clear that Milah’s threat stands, and then takes both mother and son to the captain’s cabin. They spend the rest of the day there, relaxing and having some sort of family time. When they go out next day, things have gone back to before Milah and Bae got into the ship. Milah has make clear that she’s not just some innocent, powerless woman who will allow to be step over, and hers and her son’s position on the ships’ hierarchy and Killian’s life has been established. 

****

It’s been several years since Killian met Milah and her son and brought them into his ship. Things weren’t easy at first, but in the end everything worked out. The crew accepted them and took them in. In these years Milah learnt everything that came with living in a pirate ship, from fixing ropes to swordfighting, and became a wonderful pirate. Bae pretty much forgot his father, he remembers him vaguely, knows he was a coward and that life wasn’t easy because of it, but now, when someone asks him about his father he always points at Killian and says “that’s him. I’m Captain Killian Jones’ son”. He knows everything that it’s to be known about a ship and knows the Jolly back and forth. 

Killian is beyond himself. He made it. After years and years of hopelessness he fulfilled his dream of being a father. He raised Bae as his own, taught him everything he knew, shaped him in the wonderful young lad he’s turning to be. He’s proud of him; and he’s proud of himself too,and deep inside he thinks Liam would be proud of him too. After everything life threw at him, he’s managed to rise above everything and come out victorious. He’s the captain of his own ship, has a nice, fierce, intelligent woman by his side and a brave, smart son. And he has another kid on the way. It was unexpected, Milah and him never really talked about having more children, but they’re happy about it, although they keep it a secret for the moment, it’s still too soon. 

But they’re a bit worried about it. They heard that Milah’s husband turned into the Dark One in an attempt to get his son back. They tried to lie low, always vigilant of where Rumple is, trying to avoid him. They think they’d managed it. And that’s exactly where things go wrong. 

****

They pushed back making port as much as they could, but the crew is getting restless, they’re getting out of food and Milah is going to need some herbs and plants to keep her healthing during a pregnancy at sea. They dock at the little town late in the day in an attempt to not being recognised. They’re going to stay for a couple days but the Dark One is supposed to be far far away so they think they are safe. Nevertheless, they decide it’s better if Milah stays aboard, just in case. 

It’s the second day and everything's fine. They’re leaving in the morning and they haven’t got any problems so Killian’s think they’ve dodged the bullet. But oh boy he is wrong. Rumple has found them, him, and challenges him for a duel. But he’s a tricky bastard and uses his magic and Killian knows there is no way he can defeat him. He thinks he’s lucky when the Dark One spares him under the premise they will fight in the morning. 

Killian doesn’t lose anytime after he leaves. He sends the men that are with him to go and find everyone, telling them they’re leaving and he races to the ship. He’s rushed when he arrives and despiste he tries to play it cool Milah knows that something is really really wrong. He doesn’t want to upset her, but after her insistence he breaks and tells her everything. She loses it. Rumple is going to kill Killian and take Bae and she can’t cope. She starts hyperventilating and Killian has to get the physician to put her to sleep, she shouldn’t get so anxious in her state. 

They’re fast at packing, but apparently not fast enough. The little demon appears at the crack of dawn, demanding to see his son. Killian refuses and picks his cutlass. He’s a experienced swordfighter but his adversary has magic and soon enough has overpowered him. It’s then when Bae comes out, Killian commanded him to stay below deck, but the boy is his mother’s son and won’t listen to anyone. Rumple freezes when he sees him. Gasps in awe at the sight of his son and does everything the boy says. Bae’s quickly aware of this newly discovered power over the Dark One and uses it to make him let go of Killian. Rumple retreats in an attempt to get on his long lost son’s good side. Bae goes to Killian and helps him on his feet while Rumple stays back. Killian tries to talk Bae into getting below deck but Bae gives him a weird look and gets something out of his pocket. And it is then when hell get loose. 

Bae turns around fast, facing Rumple, pointing at him with a magic bean and telling him that if he doesn’t let them be, he will throw the bean at him and send him to the Land without magic. Rumple tries to soothe Bae, to talk him out of it, to make it look like Killian kidnaped them but Bae is not having it and makes the one mistake that will cost Killian everything. Bae tells Rumple how bad life was with him and that Killian is a better father than he ever could dream to be and it is then when Rumple loses it. 

Everything happens at the same time, Bae and Rumple struggle, Milah comes out and cries at them to stop, Bae stumbles and drops the bean. The portal opens and Killian tries to reach for Bae but the boy falls through it. Killian screams, and Milah cries and Rumple yells. Milah turns to Rumple and Rumple turns to her. She tries to slap him but he’s faster, putting his hand through her chest, pulling her heart out and squishing it. Killian cries out, gets his cutlass and run towards Rumple but he disappears himself out of the way and reappears next to him, chopping off his hand and disappearing for good. 

Killian feels numb. Not because of the pain of the lost limb but because of the people he has lost in a matter of minutes. His love. His son. His unborn child. All gone. A part of him points out how he has lost again his chance to be a father. This time for good. He won’t be a father, ever again. He can’t be. His dream shattered along with his life. And this time he feels anger, and hate. He promises to get revenge. He promises it to himself. To Milah. To Bae. To the child he will never get to know. Killian Jones is going to get his revenge, even if that the last thing he does.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an unfortunate comment, Killian shares his secret and finds some confort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. The last chapter. This time for good. 
> 
> This chapter takes a step in time and it settle in Storybrooke, at some point in between Killian and Emma moving together but before they're engaged. 
> 
> As always, english is not my first language and I don't have a beta so I apologise for the mistakes.
> 
> Every comment and suggestion is apreciated and encouraged.

Killian’s been quiet for a few days. Unusually quiet. Not that he’s the one to be calm and collected but this is just too much. No innuendos, no snarky comments. Nothing. Emma is starting to worry. This is very much unlike Killian and she can’t understand what it’s happening. When she thinks about it Emma realises that everything started a couple days ago, after a nasty “teenage moment” from Henry. He had been moody for a while and that day decided to pick a fight, and Emma was the unfortunate soul that was around. He lashed out at her, she doesn’t even remember about what, but when things heated up and got out of control, Killian steeped in. Henry, being a teenage boy about to be talked into sense, turned and attacked Killian, telling how bad an example he was, that no matter what his relationship was with Emma he would never be Henry’s dad and that he pitied every possible children he and his mum may have. Killian took it pretty bad, but after a while Henry came down and apologised, saying he didn’t mean it and that he would never say something like that again.Killian said it was okay, and Emma believed him, but perhaps he wasn’t as alright as he wanted her to think. 

After making a excuse to not babysit little Neal, who Killian adores, Emma is officially worried. He’d never before missed an opportunity to take care of Neal and she feels there was more to Killian’s reaction to Henry’s words that he let out. But she doesn’t know what was it. She understands that Killian was sad at Henry’s accusation but she can’t understand why exactly he took it so hard. Yes, it wasn’t nice, but Killian had been always the one to tell her to go easy on Henry’s mood swings, reminding her that it’s not easy to be a teenager. 

Emma wanted to give him time. Time to think and get himself together. To came to her when he was ready to share. But she’s starting to think that he won’t do that. That he will keep wallowing in whatever he’s feeling. And whatever he’s feeling, Emma knows is not good. So she really needs to talk to him. 

But that’s proving to be nearly impossible. Since she made up her mind Killian’s been out of reach. She didn’t see him in the entire afternoon, helping, as he was, in the docks. He sent her a text telling that he wasn’t going to be for dinner, and by the time he came back it was late at night. She sleepily kissed him goodnight and decided to confront him in the morning.

However, by the time she wakes up he is long gone, leaving a note saying he is going to be working late again. When Henry comes down for breakfast he asks for Killian and if he is alright. And damm, even Henry knows something was off; this couldn’t go on any longer. She needs to talk to Killian. And she needs to do it today. 

Emma goes through her day as normal as she could but as soon as the clock in the station hits five o’clock she darts out in search of the pirate. It takes her longer than it should, as he isn’t in his usual places, but finally she finds him at the little beach that is close to the woods. Saying it was a beach was generous as it’s more a pile of sand and rocks. She wasn’t expecting him to be here but again, it’s the sea, kind off, and the sea always calms him down. 

He is sitting on a trunk and seems to be brooding and gloom. She sits next to him, letting her leg brush against his. He looks up and give her a sad, little smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. But otherwise he doesn’t acknowledge her. They sit there for a while, looking at the waves. Emma hoped that Killian would break up and tell her what was going on but he doesn’t seem to have any intentions to do so. 

After almost half an hour of silence Emma decides it is it and turns to Killian. She waits until he catches the hint and turns to her. She is so not ready to the look on his eyes when he looks at her. 

He looks old. Older than she’s ever seen him. He looks all of his years and Emma isn’t entirely sure how to proceed. She doesn’t know how to react to the sadness and pain in her lover’s eyes. So she hugs him. Holds him tight until he breaks down. And oh boy does he break down. Silent little sobs turns into full out crying; and Emma is beyond shocked. She can’t, for the life of hers, to understand what has triggered this. She’s working her brain out to find a reason until a shaky whisper from him makes all the pieces to fit in. 

“She was pregnant”. 

And oh fuck. She was pregnant. Milah was pregnant. She was pregnant and she died. Killian was a father. Was going to be a father. He IS a father to an unborn child. Oh fuck. 

She knows that he had being some sort of father figure to Neal when he and his mum were in the Jolly. And she knows he loved Milah. But she didn’t expect for them to be so much like a family. And now everything makes sense. Why it hurt so much Henry’s words. The statement that he wasn’t and was never going to be a good father hiting home more than it should have. Because Killian already thinks he’s not a good father. Because he lost Neal. And he lost his child even before it was born. Because he thinks he failed as a father. He was meant to protect them and he failed. And that hurts. 

It hurts because is not fair. Killian is a great man with lots of love to give but life has been beating him down since he was a little boy. And it hurts because he is a goddamn good father. She sees it in the way he looks out for Henry, how he cares for him, helps him with homework or teaches him to sail the Jolly. She sees in the way he always volunteers to take care of little Neal. How he plays with him and reads him to sleep. She sees it in the way he always pays attention to Roland. How he would drop out of an adult conversation and listens carefully to him so he won’t feel left out. He is a great dad but he doesn’t believe it. And Henry’s words told him he was right in believing so. 

So she tells him. After he has calmed down she tells him that he’s wrong. She tells him why he already is a great dad. Even if the children are not his. Or maybe precisely because the children are not his. Because it doesn’t matter to him. Because he’s so ready to look out for any kid who needs it. Because she’s heard Henry refer to him as his stepdad. It takes a while, Killian is too used to self-loathe, but she manages to make him feel better. 

So they go home. With Henry. Their son. And for the first time in days Killian smiles. Smiles when they get home and Henry hugs him. And he laughs at Henry’s jokes. And for the first time in what it feels like ages, Emma feels like everything is right. She has a smart son. And a wonderful, kind boyfriend. A boyfriend who is a father. To her son. To his former lover’s son. To his child the he never got to meet. To every child that may need one. Because if Killian Jones is something, he is a father. And everything is alright.


End file.
